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2004-08-06 - 1:45 a.m.

Hello.

It's Lazarus come back to tell all.

Okay, that's being overly dramatic, but I'm coming off my first surgery and it scared the hell outta me.

First off, big ups to purple who visited me in the hospital. I was fairly sedated so there's no telling what I did, if anything.

Now the story. I woke up feeling what I thought was mild heartburn and what turned out to be pancreatitis. What could cause this? A big f'ing gall stone. Actually, it was probably a small one lodged in the shared duct of the pancreas and gall bladder. Anyways, after some painkillers, antibiotics and gall bladder surgery, I am 100 percent better.

Now for the gooder news.

Company number two offered me a job and I took it. It's a little different than my current job, but much more stable, better hours, better potential for growth, trumpets will announce my arrival every morning. I'm just joking about the last part. No need to announce to everyone I come in 30 minutes late every morning. And don't bother checking the briefcase for office supplies. I stole enough at my last job to last at least five years. My dream of wallpapering a room in post-its is nearing completion. If I can get SigOt out of the house for about three days...

And for my funny hospital story:

The morning after my surgery, the nurse came in and asked if I had urinated. I was a little out of it still and had been catheterized during surgery, so I knew the first few times would be painful. Actually the doc said I'd feel a "slight burning sensation." I didn't feel the need to go, so I sorta brushed the nurse off. She said, "I'll come back in an hour and if you haven't gone by hten, I'll have to insert a catheter."

My father tried to ply me with money, my mom with food and all teachers with dreams of a six figure job. None of those motivated me like threatening to stick a tube in my penis.

I got up and attempted to go. Now, remember doc? Yeah, the one who used the phrase, "slight burning sensation?" My sensation made the Hindenburg accident seem like a small bonfire. Like Eddie said, "No, doc, fire shoot out my dick."

Luckily the flames lasted only three trips to the lavatory (stuffy Boston accent).

I'm happy to say I'm back and ready for action. As long as it's not near chicken fried rice and mongolian beef.

Superhick, wherefore art thou?

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