2004-08-17 - 10:18 a.m.
Okay, I feel the need to have a serious post since mine are usually crap.
My mind keeps turning to: do I care what other people think of me?
When I was young, I was like most people, I guess. I wanted to be the life of the party, everyone�s friend. And I was good at being a person that everyone would like. That was before someone we�ll call Jennifer B. Jennifer B was my first real girlfriend. I had other people I�d gone out with, shared valentines with, shared intimate moments with, etc., but Jennifer was the first real love.
Jennifer and I were inseparable for at least the first year of our relationship. I think she was in love with me from the start but I wasn�t in love with her. When I went away to college, I was an idiot on the loose. I didn�t sleep with anyone else, but I certainly cheated on her. After several months of a dual life, I realized that she wasn�t someone I needed in my life so I broke it off with her.
And then I realized I�d made a huge mistake. Funny how guys have to make huge mistakes before realizing that�s what they could turn out to be.
Anyway, things were never the same between us after we got back together. The relationship lingered on for six months and then she ended it. This sent me into a tailspin of depression and soul-searching. About a year or two later, I was a new person.
No longer what I called na�ve, no longer the guy everyone liked. I was a little edgy and a lot isolated. Probably not a totally different person, but enough of a difference to make my sister notice (she�s my second best friend).
It�s been about ten years since then.
In high school what others thought of me ruled my life. After JB, I could care less. �You think I�m a dick? F you. You love me and want to have my kids? F you. You want to give me a periodical that will change my life? Cool, cause I like to read. Oh yeah, and f you.�
After �maturing� I�ve calmed down a little. I realize some people�s opinions do matter. But only to the extent that they matter to me. Do I care if SigOt doesn�t like my comedy movies and thinks I�m stupid for watching them? No. But I care if she likes how I make chicken and pasta. Will I care if purplecigar gets mad when I criticize her writing? No. But her respect as a person is worth more to me than gold. Do I expect more than three people to read this post? No. And it won�t change the thirty posts I make after it.
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